Sunday, January 30, 2005

There are no cats in America and the streets are paved with cheese...

When I moved to New York, everybody warned me about the high cost of living and the cold, but nobody bothered to warn me about the rodent population. I’ve seen the rats in the subway and the mice in the streets, but I never thought I’d see a mouse in my house. But, yesterday I spotted Fred, my new four-legged roommate.

Since I’m the only one paying rent it this place, he has got to move out. I’m not so sure how to get him to leave. The polite thing would be to write him a note, but that doesn’t seem like the most realistic option. I’ve already tried talking to him and I thought we had an agreement that when I’m home, he’d stay under the fridge. But, this morning, Fred broke the rules and has been scampering back and forth between his home under the fridge and the bathroom. Since I can’t possibly wear my snow boots around the apartment all day, and I am certain that at some point this afternoon, I’m going to have to use the restroom, Fred must go before he sends an evite to his friends for a party under the fridge in 3B.

I just took a trip to Kmart to see about getting rid of the little critter. I couldn’t bring myself to buy the poison. First, I didn’t want everyone at Kmart to know I was plotting a murder. Second, I can’t fathom the thought of Fred dying in my house and then having to get rid of him myself. Therefore, I ended up buying these ultrasonic pest control devices that you plug into the wall that creates a noise so intense that it basically gives mice a nervous breakdown causing them to flee the premises. I am now convinced that these devices rank up there with the iPod as one of the greatest inventions of all time.

Within seconds after plugging the devices into the wall, Fred made his escape from under the fridge to the bathroom where I’ve now discovered I have a small hole in the wall behind the toilet. A happy ending for all – Fred lives and I can finally take my snow boots off.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Sad day for the weez

Today is the truly the first sad day of 2005; First, a day-long ski trip to one of the greatest places in north America isn’t going to happen. I’ve been waiting for this trip for months, more for the scenery than the skiing. Sure, I’ve been longing for the slopes, but it’s slopes atop the mountain at Squaw Valley that I will miss the most. I yearn to be at the top of the mountain, overlooking Lake Tahoe. Every time I’m there I feel a sense of renewal and this year I need that renewal more than ever.

So, while I’ve been waiting for months to be at the top of that mountain, I’ve been waiting for 15 years for my Steelers to make it to the big game. But, it looks like that ain’t happening either. When I boarded the plane, it was looking bad…down by three touchdowns. I’m actually glad to be flying for the rest of the game because it is a personal rule of mine that I don’t cry in public.

PS - To the ding-dong sitting next to me while we were waiting in the terminal…you are exactly the kind of dude I try to avoid. It doesn’t help that you grew up in Gainesville (an admitted “die hard gator fan”), went to Duke (a shortcoming that needs no explanation), and were pulling for the Pats (not because you cared about the team, but because you feel that “nothing good has ever come out of Pittsburgh”). Those things simply make you annoying. What makes you intolerable is the way you were trashing people sitting nearby to a complete stranger and if I could hear you, there is a good chance that they could hear you. I’m sorry that someone in your past didn’t accept you. Please seek therapy to overcome your insecurities and find a real team to pull for.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Freedom for all

"The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world." - President Bush

Does this mean that there is more than one world? If so, does anyone have a brochure? I'm thinking of moving or at least visiting...time to update my passport. Our president is so smart. He is always teaching me new things. He has opened my eyes to the existence of multiple Internets, an entirely new vocabulary, and now this. Thank you, Dubya!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Getting Old Sucks

I am still amazed that the older you get, the longer your hangovers last. Right now, i feel like someone ran over me 17 times with a truck before beating me over the head with a steel rod...this pain, by the way, is the aftermath from a night of drinking that occured two days ago. Granted nothing less should be expected when you kick off a tuesday night off with a martini, followed by 111 glasses of wine, with a mojito as dessert. But come on, this is too much. Isn't it punishment enough that after leaving the bar, i couldn't find a cab and had to walk 30 blocks home in nine degree weather? (p.s. - the bar was actually 10 blocks away from my apartment...i walked 10 blocks in the wrong direction before realizing it...i am an idiot - i know.) I'll do anything to feel better - even thought of never drinking again, but that is not an heading straight from work to a date with the hair of the dog.